Did you realize that most club dancers keep a "Blacklist?" It may not be written out, but over time everybody will decide there are people who they don't want to dance with.
Some women blacklist you because you're too gray, had bad breath one day, can't stay on beat, aren't cool enough, spin them too much, spin them too little, had too many drinks, are too tall, too short, don't have enough "flavor," or maybe hang with the wrong crowd. There are a hundred reasons, and the amusingly-aggravating thing is, it will vary depending on their mood.
Fact is, most women keep a Black, Gray, and Favorite list along with a very short, "I'm one glass of wine and a good dance from going home with that guy" list. (I've heard of that one, but I've never seen it actually happen...)
Overall, I accept it. But I want to be on the Favorite list if possible. I'd rather a woman turn me down than dance with me while acting like she'd prefer an anesthesia-free root canal. Over time, most of us take it less personally, and realize that there are some excellent dancers who don't always want to dance with me.
I've seen excellent follows who look great with others, but don't sync well with me. Also, some women I liked when I first started are not as much fun anymore. Women will love a certain lead when they're beginners, but then find a year later that the same guy "isn't all that anymore." As your level changes, your tastes in a partner often evolve as well.
Some advanced dancers just don't want to dance with beginners, so they blacklist everybody who hasn't proven that they're worthy of their time. As I wrote a couple days ago, I don't agree with that approach; but as I dance more and more, I realize that you can't always dance with everyone you'd like. Consequently, you often dance with those you know rather than someone new.
As novices, most guys get indignant if turned down. I used to blacklist any women who turned me down twice. Worse, I would swear at her under my breath if she turned me down and went on the floor with another guy 30 seconds later. (I hope my Mom doesn't read this.)
Today, if I know her, I don't ask anymore. I just grab her hand, lead her gently to the floor and start dancing. Since we've danced and had fun in the past, it's rare that she'll stop me after we're on the floor. And some other guy may be fuming since he just asked her. I had one women protest "I just turned someone down!" and I said, "Sorry, that's not my problem, I like this song and you are perfect for it!"
If a women turns you down, the easiest thing to do is ask someone else AND improve your dancing. I'm committed to being better next month, rather than worrying about the ones who won't dance with me today. Someday, she will notice I'm improving and she may change her mind. If she doesn't, that's fine too.
What gets someone on your blacklist?
Have you changed your mind and why did you?
Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you
cannot grow.
-Ronald Osborn
5 comments:
Haven't thought of it as a blacklist, but I do have a few things that really puts me off in a dancepartner. Either if he's too drunk to lead me or if he keeps complaining on me for things that are obviously his fault (eg. telling me off for going forward on 1 when being pulled, instead of back. It's hard to go back when being pulled forward. Makes me furious everytime). So yes, I guess I have about three guys on my blacklist, reasons being I have to hold 'him' up or I simply don't enjoy being accused of doing things wrong for no legitimate reason.
You are totally right about the drinkers and critics. Once they cross that line from a couple social drinks to being drunk, "No Thank-you" is totally appropriate. I don't understand the critics... especially if they ask you to dance. Once I ask you, then I make the most of how YOU dance and usually that works well.
I see no problem in women blacklisting guys who are drinking and/or critics in the middle of the dance.
This blacklisting thing is symptomatic of a bigger problem in the L.A. salsa scene. The sad truth is that the L.A. salsa scene is emerging into a scene of low lifes whose focus is their own selfish sex and ego driven agendas. The clubs are full of mostly men of all ages stuck in adolescence whose preference is to dance with girls under 30 dressed like hookers. These men do not care that the girl does not know how to dance. Likewise, the clubs are full of mostly girls under 30 dressed like hookers who doesn't care if the guy knows how to dance, only that he shows her off like a piece of meat to all his friends watching on the sidelines. This has nothing to do with dance skill or ability, but with ego and sex. The guy who doesn't show the girl off like a piece of meat gets blacklisted by the girls and likewise, the girl who is over 30 and not dressed like a hooker is blacklisted by the men. This blacklisting game does not apply to newcomers to salsa.
Frankly I think some guys should be blacklisted. Beginners often think they need to dance with everybody. But some men deserve to get turned down for a variety of reasons we are discussing.
One thing I'm not clear on: I always try to show off my partner. I want her to enjoy the dance and look great. I'm thinking most women want to be placed in the best possible light.
And dressing sexy to attract men has been going on a few years in LA. I doubt that will go away anytime soon, in salsa or other dances.
I guess to be fair, I know I've got a blacklist of women who I won't ask. Either she constantly said no to me, or she was just unpleasant to dance with, or worse, just plain mean. (This is a family show so I'll leave it there)
You mean there's a "One glass of wine and one good dance..." list? How do I get on that one. :-)
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Don Baarns - Unlikely Salsero