In a comment on another article, someone mentioned, "There is no place for ego when two becomes one." My first thoughts was, "Hmmm… I’m not so sure about that because that means I’m off the floor and most of my leader friends would need to go home too."
My next thought was, "Should your ego be on display when you dance?"
The politically correct answer is "No! Never. It's all about my partner!" But hey, that is simply not the reality for the strong men dancing out there. Salsa is about opposites attracting, and guys with big egos are often in demand if they handle it correctly. It's fine for guys to "show off" from time-to-time.
It's about balance and I like the old 80/20 rule: If you’re a guy, 80% of your focus should be on your partner, 20% of the time you may highlight your best and then return focus toward your partner. (Maybe 90/10 would be a better target for some of us bigger egos… You be the judge.)
I'm one of many who tell you to take care of your partners, put them first, and make them feel great. You're missing it if you “over dance” your partners regularly. Your moves shouldn’t be shouting “look at me” most of the time, but rather “look at my beautiful partner.”
Many times when you do it right, your best will bring out the best in your partners and they will seem brighter too. Feeding off each other is the best situation.
Does that mean I don't have an ego when I put the ladies first? Do I try to simply blend in and always stay in the background?
Heck NO! I'm one of the most egotistical guys you'll ever meet, but hopefully I express that in a way that works well for others. Most guys are pragmatic, making lots of mistakes while younger and some actually learn from those experiences. More mature men (little to do with age) have learned that looking great from the refection of their partners is a much stronger statement than taking actions that shout, "I'm great" or “Watch me” all the time.
Ideally, your dancing displays a quiet confidence most of the time, with flashes of brilliance appropriate for your partner and the moment in the music. Your ego is always there, but not always screaming for attention. A sprinkle here and there goes a long way.
It's all about ebb and flow, and great dancers often dance way below their high-end technical abilities, instead maximizing their feel and focusing on their partners. They select strategic moments to pull out all the stops. While the ego may be bubbling below the surface, the best wait for the right partners and music, and even then they have moments of extreme calm and simplicity.
The strongest often employ the, "I've got it, but I don't need to show it every dance," type of mentality. Their ego is so strong they are comfortable if you don’t see it for a while. They aren't hiding it, but rather selectively letting it show through without taking away from their partners.
Most guys would never be in the clubs if they didn't have an ego, and few would put in the effort to dance well without an ego component. Dancing exceptionally well is a choice that some make because their ego is involved, and they want to stand out from the crowd. They work on it, often to impress the women and show off their skills.
I have no problem with men showing their outstanding moves, but I'm not impressed by dancing that isn't in sync with their current partner and the music, combined with a healthy respect for those around them.
I don't respect the egos that ignore others, over-dancing their current partner, and/or push others aside to grab more and more spotlight. Some guys abuse there skills in an effort to become the center of attention, in almost every dance, while their partners appear as an afterthought. That's way outside good sense and tends to be the mark if an immature dancer (or person).
Male dancers of all styles, all around the world dance well to impress women. A smart man takes care of his partner first because that is best for both of them. You can have a massive ego but still showcase your partner on the social floor.
Salsa doesn't require you to hide your ego or masculinity; instead, it's about channeling it toward a partner combination, and making her the star of the show most of the time.
In my world, ego plays a strong positive role in pushing guys forward; it’s about how you use it that makes it a negative or positive.
Let me know your examples of the male ego at its best and worst via the comments link below.
Follow your bliss. Find where it is and don't be afraid to follow it.
--Joseph Campbell
6 comments:
Thank you for writing this!!!! I wish I could give this to many male dancers. Some just don't get it. I live and dance in the Dominican Republic - salsa is danced fast and furious most of the time - it is all about ego. The men spend way too much time showing off!
Making your partner and thus themselves look good is not even in the equation for most of them. There are exceptions - but they are few and far between. I will copy this and translate it to Spanish.............
Thanks again.
The ego: "a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment".
Inner tranquility, expressing your real nature, your essence: this is real dancing.
Some guys essence isn't inner tranquility and if they express their real nature, it may or may not be appropriate for partner dancing.
The definition of "real dancing" will vary from person to person.
I suspect we agree that some guys are way too focused on themselves, but there is also room for self-expression and even some "showing off" in the right balance.
It's good to hear your point of view!
ego is something I've struggled with for a long time. I dabble in salsa, but most of my dancing is in international Latin, ballet and i also do break dancing. Recently, because of a knee injury, I've been trying to dance egoless and not force my body. Still I'm most attracted to the bravura male dancing. I love letting loose and doing air tours, spins and ground tricks. I guess my problem with salsa is that I can't unleash the beast inside. In salsa I always feel like I'm under dancing. My question is how a style that focuses on the female dancer attract talented male dancers who have the technical skills to do much much more?
Hmm,
When women know you CAN do much more but you are focused on them, they are even more attracted to you.
As a drummer it took me a long time to learn it was not how many notes I played, but how I played each note that counted. What you leave out is as important as what you play.
There is an art in doing less and making it feel better. Over time most mature artists learn to enjoy both ends of the spectrum.
Your message gives me some thoughts that I'll expand into an article. Fire away with more questions/comments if appropriate!
Ego is a big word. It might include confidence, arrogance, machismo, selfishness, vanity and many other things. I remember on a management training course once being told to think of "undesirable" characteristics as "desirable" ones done to excess. Thus, too much confidence becomes arrogance, too much attention to detail becomes pedantry etc. And too little of any characteristic is also undesirable. Thus, too little vanity becomes scruffiness. People vary in where they are on all of these scales and they move about too depending on how they are feeling and where they are at. Dancing has to be emotional to be its best and strong emotions can create great dancing. People have different motivations and objectives in dancing. Ego is an important part of the mix.
Some women have strong egos too.
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Don Baarns - Unlikely Salsero