Breaking In at an Event or Congress: Part II

After last week's article on Breaking In at an Event or Congress, I realized I missed some things that may be helpful. These same concepts also apply when attending a new club, so don't limit their application to a big event.

All events are social in nature, and you want to stack the odds in your favor if you are new and/or don't know too many people.

Location, Location, Location
If you aren't getting the dances you want, one of the bigger factors is location. All rooms have "sweet spots" for being asked, usually places where more people enter and exit the dance floor. Your job is to look around the room, find the sweet spots, then get your glammed-up self standing in that area.

If you realize another spot looks better, move. If you are not getting dances in one area, go use the restroom and start over in another area. Move, circulate and smile if you skip more than a couple songs. Few things are worse for your social assimilation than sitting for half a dozen songs between dances, so be bolder and move the second you realize your current location isn't the best.

Minimize the Barriers Between You and the Dance Floor
Don't make it difficult for someone to get to you. If you are female, are you easy to ask if I'm just entering the room? If the music started, do I have to navigate around four tables and the kissing couple to ask you? Move if there are too many tables, chairs, people between you and the floor.

Stand When Practical
Are you sitting or standing? As a rule, standing close to the edge of the floor dramatically increases your odds of being asked. My concept of "when practical" means when you are not dancing and you want to dance as soon as possible. Sitting doesn't take you out of the game, but it reduces your odds.

If you are in the back of the room, or sitting off in a corner, most people wonder if you want a break, and unless they know you they are less likely to ask you, especially if there many other choices. Make yourself easy to be asked.

Last May, I wrote an article targeting ladies going to clubs and not getting enough dances, and the same principles apply at any new event or congress. Check out "Why Don't the Guys Ask Me?" for some additional tips and more details. While it's written with the ladies in mind, guys may find some interesting things to think about.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.
-Samuel Johnson

Guys: Sorry Only When It Hurts

Guys: Quit saying you’re sorry when you make a mistake! I used to do it all the time until Edie the Salsa Freak set me straight. She told me, in so many words, to “Shut up and dance,” although her delivery was much nicer. Something about a gray-haired guy acting like a scared little kid didn't do it for her.

As you dance with much better follows, there is a point where you realize that if they miss something, it’s probably because of your lead. In the beginning, it can be painfully obvious where the problem lies with these more advanced follows. You can even see the problem in the mirror some nights.

Watch the more mature leads, and you’ll see they make their share of mistakes and have plenty of moves which don’t work as they originally intended. They don’t say “sorry” or start crying; they find something to bring it back, even if it’s simply a grin and start over. Some of them even act like it’s their partners fault. (I don’t recommend that, but you see it happen all the time.) More mature leads dance with confidence and most follows find that attractive, assuming you don’t cross the line into arrogance.

Saying your "sorry" more than once or twice a dance makes your lead weaker. It’s especially bad if your follow didn’t notice, and now you’re pointing it out to them with a big, obvious sign. Instead of focusing on where you’re going, they start thinking about what you missed, not the place you want to go.

The point is to just be a guy and move on. Laugh about it if you can, grin and lead something simple until you are back on track. A cross body lead or a simple under-arm turn almost always works.

The exception to the rule: If you hurt or potentially hurt someone, sorry is appropriate. This applies to your partner or someone dancing next to you.

Other than that, just let your mistakes go, move on and find something to get back to dancing. Saying “sorry” is a losing strategy unless pain is involved. Otherwise, it makes you look weaker and less confident, and few ladies want to dance with weak leads.

Great works are performed not by speed or strength but perseverance.
-Samuel Johnson

Darned Adults: Music Too Loud

I don't mean to brag, but I have my own audiologist. I now feel superior to many others who (like me) didn't even know that word recently. While I still can't spell audiologist without looking on her card, I have one and you should too.

I'm one of the few people who have others ask me to turn down the music if we are driving in my car. Being a drummer, I love dynamic music, ranging from a whisper to a roar. That said, I'm also very protective of my ears, because I read the studies of hearing loss and my ears used to ring the next morning after going to the club. If I do listen loud, I'm careful to not do it too long, and make sure I give my ears a break after a few minutes of intensity. I really don't want a set of hearing aids along with my AARP membership when I hit retirement age.

Over two years ago, I invested in musicians grade earplugs, and I blogged about it in the article named "Practicing Safe Salsa - Ear Protection".

Recently I lost one of my custom, musicians earplugs (shown below), using the ER-15 filters. They are designed to reduce the overall volume by 15dB, but not change the overall sound quality.
It's hard to complain as they have served me well for a couple years, but when I noticed one was lost, I realized I just spent around $170 dancing that evening. For what you invest, they give you a free little pouch to keep them in and I faithfully used it 3-4 days per week over the last couple years.

After losing one plug, I danced for about two weeks with one earplug, and left the other ear unprotected. What an amazing study in contrast. I would leave the club and one ear felt like I'd just gotten off an airplane, when my ears hadn't equalized yet and everything was still muffled. The ear that had the plug, however, was hearing clearly and comfortably.

Your ears partially shut down to protect themselves when sounds are too loud for too long, and the next morning I could hear a slight ringing after I woke up, but only in one ear! Seeing the difference, I started using a swimmers ear plug for the one plug that was lost. They block way too much sound and change the nature of the music so I used my remaining good plug and put up with the swimmers plug until my new custom fit plugs arrive.

After years of dancing, I still maintain that most of the DJs and sound engineers are partially deaf OR they stand behind the speakers, so they don't get the direct effect of their volume.

This week I went back to "my audiologist" and had new molds made for a new set of plugs. She took another mold of my ears and they've been sent to a lab in Colorado where they use the mold to make my custom set. Since my original set was created a couple years ago, they have found that by opening your mouth during the fitting process, the plugs fit a little tighter and do a better job. They have this little block to hold your mouth open just the right amount to make the plugs fit better. In theory this means my new set will work even better than the old.

If you are in the LA area and want custom fitted plugs, you can contact my audiologist, Jami Tanihana (M.A., CCC-A) via "JamiTani AT pacbell.net" or send me private mail for her phone number. She does an excellent job and takes pride in getting the mold exactly right for you. Jami fits lots of famous musicians with their custom in-ear monitors and she knows how to get them right. (I don't use complete e-mail addresses as spammers look for the @ sign and grab addresses used on the net. Substitute my "AT" with the "@" sign and remove the spaces to get her real e-mail address.)

My previous article also references some less expensive (under $20) plugs that are not custom, but work great for ladies with longer hair. With very short hair (mine) they are noticeable, but that is better than losing your hearing from dancing.

While I hate having to spend $170 on ear plugs, after using my old set for two years, I'm convinced that they're worth every penny. Once you've worn them a few times, I guarantee you'll never go back to unprotected ears. Years from now, you'll thank me, and you'll be able to hear me say, "you're welcome!"

We were incompatible in a lot of ways. Like for example, I was a night person,
and he didn't like me.
-Wendy Leibman

Breaking In at an Event or Congress: Part 1

I had the following comment from SnowDancer:

You're giving me a bit of a scare about attending my first congress in Salt Lake
City next month. I'm just an intermediate dancer (1 1/2 years), not a really
great-looking guy either, but I do fine in my local scene (partly by following
your advice to make friends with everyone:-)). I'd hate to think I've spent all
this money to go to an event where I'll get turned down a lot.:-(

Rather than simply reply to his comment, I'd like to clarify: Events tend to be where more people take chances with someone they don't know. The fact that you've done well in your current scene means you are highly likely to do well at the event. If you hadn't already done well in your local scene, the congress is a great place to "start over," and build up your game so things will be better back home as well.

Guys have almost no excuses at events, because we can ask, and ask someone else if a lady says "No thank you." Ladies could have it easier because it's the perfect time to be a little bolder and ask for dances from the leads they like. There are so many new faces, it's easier to get dances even if most people stay in their comfort zone and dance with people they already know.

If you are new at an event or don't know many people, it's similar to going to a new club; be friendly with everybody you meet. I look for people with the wrist bands as I'm walking through the hotel (or the venue) and say hello to virtually everybody who is attending the event. If I'm not sure, I say hello anyway, or simple nod hello as I walk by. I know half the people are thinking "Do I know him?" because I have no idea who they are either, but saying hello breaks the ice and when you ask for a dance it's not the first time they've seen your face.

I've asked people in the parking lot, or checking in at the hotel if they are attending the salsa event. If they say yes, I ask which instructors they like, how long have they danced, is this their first time to this event and/or ask them where are they from. Anything to get them talking about themselves.

Figure out your own questions in advance, but remember that "hello" is pretty universal and "Did you travel far?", "Where are you from?", "Have you done this event before?" or "How long have you danced?" all work pretty well. If they have attended in the past, ask them if they have an recommendations for someone attending the event the first time. Most people are very happy to provide advice to others if you ask.

As I said earlier, I don't have to know someone, but I still nod and say hi in the hallways, restaurants, event check-in, and in the classes. If you don't know many people be sure to take as many workshops as possible, especially those at your level.

Use the time before and after the class to say hello to a few people, and expand your network a little with each workshop. Find a few other people around your level, and once you have a few good dances, introduce those people to a few of your partners, even if you don't know them well. People love to dance with people where there is an established connection, even if that connection was only established via an introduction 30 seconds ago. That has a different feel from a stranger saying, "Would you like to dance?"

Another winning strategy is to get a nap in at some point and stay late. People tend to start the evening dancing with those they know. After a couple hours they have already danced with their existing favorites and many will say yes late in the evening. This same strategy works at clubs.

Consider starting with the mindset that you're going to be the most connected person at the event. You're going to get more people together, say hello to more people and be the friendliest person on the scene. They'll remember you introduced them to a good lead if they are a follow, and/or you connected another lead with an appropriate follow. In other words, become one of the people who connects others, and they will remember you and dance with you. Everybody wins if you do it right.

In the end, you may not be the most connected person, but working toward that end will make you remembered. Once you recommend and connect a few people, they generally do the same for you.

As I've stated many times, look for great couples or couples having fun and let them know they look good together, immediately after the dance. Do as much of that as possible. If you ask those people to dance the next day they are very likely to say yes. It doesn't always work, but nothing is perfect. Just be sure you are only saying it when you mean it.

Don't worry about being turned down, it will happen and there are generally plenty of people who aren't dancing, just waiting to be asked. Just say "Next!" (to yourself) and move on. Ladies, this is also the right time to be bolder than normal and ask a few leads if you sit too long. At home you may not ask as much, but you are not at home and it's the perfect time to grab a lead that looks like they would be a fun dance. Most guys love being asked and very few will say no, especially at an event.

Obviously, you can apply these concepts to any new club you attend. I'd love to hear what others do at an event to become a larger part of the social scene and improve their chances of having great dances.

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person,
"Always do what you are afraid to do."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

More On Salsa Mambo Festival

I previously stated, I had a great time in Palm Springs over the New Years holiday. Attendance was strong, and the range from brand new faces to world-class dancers made it a fun scene for four days.

I found myself dancing with people who started a couple days ago on one tune, and then dancing with women who are national and international superstars later in the evening. The dancers from NY, Miami, and Singapore are amazing, and they inspired and humbled me. I really want to up my game this year. Of course, many of the West Coast elite also attended and I couldn’t help but be inspired by all the talent in one location. It was easy to see I have plenty of room to grow, and while teaching it was a joy to assist some others who are earlier in the journey from beginner to salsa lover.

A few new people mentioned how many people seemed to be part of cliques and sometimes it felt hard to break in. The funny thing is, no matter how good you are, most people prefer to dance with others they know or have seen in the past. I had one lady turn me down and it was clear she was primarily dancing with one of her friends most of the night. (They looked great together.) That is fine with me since she doesn't owe me any dances, but it stands out for me since I only had a couple turn-downs all weekend.

Human nature is to dance with your friends, acquaintances, and/or familiar faces first, then if you can’t find one of them, ask someone outside of your existing circle of partners. The festival makes a point of encouraging the beginners to ask any of the instructors and performers for dances, so it was great seeing new people having fun out on the floor with the instructors/performers. (If you are an instructor/performer, one of the rules of being at the event is you can’t turn down anybody who asks you to dance.)

An event like this is the perfect time to dance with people outside your normal circles, but again, the path of least resistance is dancing with those you already know and most people take that path.

If you’re new, it makes sense to attend as many workshops as possible, because once you’ve met someone in a class, it’s easy to ask them to dance later. Most people inside the cliques don’t intentionally exclude others, but dancing is still primarily a social activity, and dancing with your existing friends is easier than venturing out into the unknown.

Even some of the performers stayed within their circles. They performed as partners, then primarily danced together during social time. In my experience, when you dance with someone you have performed with, it’s easy to show off more complex moves and maybe even wow those around you. People watching can be impressed (especially the beginners), but those dancers who stay within a smaller circle are often not the stronger social dancers. They look great with their regular partners, but they don’t dance as well with other strong dancers, because they are used to a certain lead or follow style, and excellence in social dancing requires dancing with a wide range of partners.

Personally, I make a point to dance with people I rarely see; people outside the LA area and people who I haven’t met before when possible. Based on my own observations and feedback from others, I’m not normal. (Plenty of people will confirm that.) I usually danced once or twice with my LA friends, but my focus was on dancing with people who I don’t see on a weekly basis. I usually think, “Why dance three tunes with her tonight when we’ll dance next week at the local club? She’ll be better for having danced with other strong leads, and I’ll improve and be better for her next week. We will both win by avoiding each other this week and I’ll see her regularly in the future because we frequent the same clubs."

In theory, the salsa world might be a better place if everybody danced with everybody but that goes against the grain of reality. At this type of event, most people are much more open to new faces than in other scenes, but people still want to dance primarily with people with an established connection.

I hope you consider going next summer and next year, it’s a great event and gets better every time. I just wish I could have danced with everybody I wanted to, but there just weren’t enough hours on the floor and enough energy drinks to keep me going. I danced all four nights, and still didn’t dance with as many as I’d have liked.

If you went, I’d love to hear your feedback. Please let me know how it was for you.

For that tired, run down feeling, try jaywalking.
-Farmers' Almanac

Palm Springs Musicality Links

In my New Years Palms Springs musicality class I used a set of tunes, including one from an article I wrote last year. So many people have sent me mail asking about the links I decided to add it below.

If you are new to my blogs, or you attended my class, you'll certainly want to check out this article from last year titled "My Favorite Tunes..." Download the "Salsa Never Ends" tune and check it out yourself. The intro is worth listening to over and over, and it's simply great music.

In a comment someone mentioned finding the clave and the article titled "Clave: More Than Most People Want to Know" provides some perspective on that topic. Once you know about the clave, the "Salsa Never Ends" tune referenced in the first article showcases the clave as the first instrument of the tune.

As always, questions and comments are welcomed.

I'll be posting more about the festival tomorrow.

If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell 'em something for their own good.
-Frank McKinney ("Kin") Hubbard

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

I’m still recovering from the Palm Springs salsa weekend (the twice yearly SalsaMambo Festival). Four nights of dancing until early morning, combined with teaching workshops during the day. I arrived Thursday afternoon, taught the opening classes in the evening, danced and taught four hours per day the next two days. Six hours of my classes were working with Edie in her bootcamp classes, and the others were my Salsa intro and musicality classes.

Eat, teach, eat, nap, eat, and dance from around 9 pm until early morning, then sleep a few hours and repeat. Throw in some energy drinks (Hansen’s new “Rumba” orange juice) and stay on the dance floor a few more hours.

I had a blast dancing with lots of great dancers who I never meet before. I danced with an excellent dancer from France who said “No English” at the beginning of our first dance. One time she did an exceptionally sexy move and I said “nice!” (out of habit), and she said “Oh… I know that word…” in broken English and laughed. We danced a couple songs each night and dancing was our only common language. When the songs ended it was just a smile and a hug, and it was obvious during the dance we had a strong dance connection and we both enjoyed it.

One thing I noticed was how many people danced with people from their hometown. They may have traveled hundreds of miles, then they danced with the others they dance with on a normal weekend at home. Even stranger to me, during the social dance time, many of the couples who performed together, also social danced together.

My theory is if you travel to an event, that is the perfect time to dance with new people, since there are so many others traveling as well. The ratio of known to unknowns is totally reversed compared to my local scene, where I see a set of people every week or so.

Because I've done this event a few years, I do see a subset of people who I meet in the past. It's great dancing with people I saw last year, but why dance with someone who I'll see next weekend at my local club?

I have some theories on why this is, and I’ll expand on them over the next couple days.

Your thoughts are welcomed as well! (If you went, let me know how it was for you.)

The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is
no good evidence either way.
-Bertrand Russell