Guys need to develop a thick skin if they social dance regularly. We shouldn't take things too personally, especially getting turned down. We even have to get over mentally calling her names when she turns us down and almost immediately dances with someone else. It's just life, and we should simply move on politely and say "next" as soon as possible.
I used to hate it when she danced the same song with another guy after telling me no. I wasn't thrilled being turned down if she sat the whole tune, but it just seemed worse when he had her dancing after my no.
Maybe she was very polite and said, "No thank-you," or worse, said, "I need a break," and then 30 seconds later she was on the floor. It seemed so rude to me.
Was it my age? My trailing-edge "fashion" (trendy 7 years ago)? The way my knuckles dragged on the ground when I walked? I often didn't take it well internally, but I generally just moved on and asked someone else.
|Via: Wikimedia Commons|
It happened in reverse to me a few weeks ago. One of my favorite songs started, and I knew exactly who I wanted for that dance. I see her across the room and go get her, without asking or saying a word. She says, "I just turned a new guy down, so I can't..."
My selfish thought was simply, "Not my problem," and I gently lead her to the floor and started the dance. We had a great time. I was not a brute about it, but I was politely persistent at the start, and she just went with the flow. To say no to me at that point would have required her walking off the floor.
From a practical point of view, I didn't give her the option to say no, BUT not for the reasons you might think.
If her "turned down" guy saw it, he may think she's rude. She wasn't! (If anybody was rude, it was me.)
I was basically thinking: "Why should we sit that song out when I love the song, we have a history of regular dances, and I know she's a great dancer for that tune?"
What the guy didn't know is the following:
She and I have danced three to five times per month over the last few years. She's an amazing dancer who listens to the music and makes the most of it. We have a history of fun dances, although we are not social outside the clubs.
I often avoid dancing with her until I get one of my favorite, more interesting tunes. That strategy often doesn't work because by the time I realize it's a great tune and then find her, she's already dancing. Just as often I've already asked someone before a song starts, so that rules out dancing with her too. Many nights the logistics don't work and we don't dance.
In this case, I knew the song was extremely dynamic, and I wanted a follow who loves playing with the music. She fit the ticket, and she was still sitting when I got to her after the tune started. (I didn't see the turn down.)
The other guy was a new dancer. I wasn't going to allow her to sit it out unless she was already dancing with someone else. Just because she turned someone else down didn't mean much to me. I also know he could have asked someone else and was dancing that tune himself, with a different partner. Odds are good he didn't sit out the whole tune after being turned down.
The equation changes for dancers who have been in the scene for years.
She may never see that guy again as lots of guys "try it out" a few nights then go do something else. There were 400 people in the club that night. He could have asked 50 women instead of her, but she was the one he asked. Worse for him; he may put her on his "Do Not Ask" (DNA) list. If he does, he loses, not her.
This woman has plenty of experienced leads who ask her regularly; she only sits when she wants a break. It's also highly likely this guy asked another follow after being turned down by my partner. Leads often don't sit out the tune just because one follow said "no-thank you," why should the experienced follows?
As a rule us guys need to develop a thick skin. I get turned down all the time in new clubs (at first) and it's simply life. When you get turned down, just move on. If she dances with another, you never know their history, and whatever her reason, if you stay in the game, your time will come. Just don't let it ruin your day.
Let me know how you handle turn downs these days. (It's also interesting to know how long you've been dancing.)
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