Comments on The Unlikely Salsero - Don Baarns: Ask Her Now or Wait?

This is good advice. Thanks for reprinting it. I h...

2011-10-05T16:41:18.254-07:00

This is good advice. Thanks for reprinting it. I have a few thoughts to add.

When you're an absolute beginner lead, attend at least a few classes before trying to hang for more than a few social dances afterwards.

Pay attention to the bachata and the merengue - salsa is where you really want to go, but bachata and merengue are much simpler and you can get pretty good pretty fast, which will endear you to follows who would be bored silly if you only danced salsa with them.

Once you have a decent handful of moves you can dance smoothly, it's time to start hanging in there. Just keep asking until "no" is not such a big deal anymore, because you're going to hear it a lot at first. Follows learn faster because nearly every guy they dance with teaches them something. So every woman is "above your level," unless she just showed up for the absolute first time.

Just have a sense of humor about it, smile, laugh off your mistakes (unless you've stepped on someone!) and keep asking and dancing.

As your skills develop there will always be follows above your level. A tip that really helps: LET HER DANCE. Make sure you put a couple of shine breaks in the song (dancing separately). If she goes for it, remember to give her shine breaks in the future.

Also, give that experienced follow - or the follow you don't have a clear read on yet - plenty of free spins. See what she does with them. Is she whipping out double turns with plenty of styling? Then lead her more double turns overall. Don't know how to do that yet? Then make sure you give her plenty of free spins!

As another follower, I'm going to agree with I-Jay...

2008-06-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

As another follower, I'm going to agree with I-Jay: just ASK.

If she says no simply because you're "not good enough" to dance even a single dance with, she's not worth it. Someone who enjoys dancing will enjoy even the most basic patterns. Of course, no one wants to dance below their level for an entire event -- but a dance or two with a newcomer shouldn't be a problem, especially if the newcomer is having fun (and not freaking out about their skill).

Don't worry about giving a follower the dance of her life or anything. Like snowdancer said, just do what you're comfortable with, and do it well. Pay attention to your follower's responses to make sure she's comfortable -- not just with your steps, but with your leads and your behavior.

Given the choice between a timid newcomer with poor leads vs. an experienced and flashy dancer who is too focused on himself instead of on the connection, who jerked me around, and/or any of the other familiar bad-leader-quirks, I'd take the newcomer ANY DAY.

But for the love of god, do not get frustrated with yourself if something goes wrong, if you're not dancing well, if something's not perfect, etc. etc. That's the most annoying thing a newcomer dancer can do, for me. Just laugh it off, apologize if it's a big oops, and try to avoid repeating whatever went wrong (even if that means retreating to simpler steps).

Good advice from a more advanced lady. If she's no...

2008-06-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

Good advice from a more advanced lady. If she's not dancing it makes sense to ask.

It's nice to hear your point of view on this.

You know what, (as a bonafide girl), we are always...

2008-06-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

You know what, (as a bonafide girl), we are always dying to dance, except no one ever seems to ask us! I've spent so many nights just staring at the dance floor, hoping someone will ask me but I only get one or two dances! I've been dancing for a while (over 15 years - I'm still young) but now I'm in the habit of toning down my dancing because I don't want to scare the guys away by looking too 'advanced'.
Guys, just ask the girl to dance - if she says 'no' then it's her loss.

I agree; there is a balance between asking too soo...

2008-03-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

I agree; there is a balance between asking too soon and waiting too long.

It's a judgement call and one of the things I like to do is find a way to talk with that person if I'd like to ask her someday.

While I may not ask her to dance today (if she was way over my head), I may say something like "Wow, you looked great with XXXX", and I say it immediately after the dance. I actually try to tell the couple they looked great together, before they leave the floor. I then walk away and ask someone else to dance.

That way I've broken the ice in terms of a conversation, I've told her she looks great with a specific lead, and I've started establishing the social connection, so later when I do ask, we already have some contact and I haven't ignored her for six months while I'm improving.

Again, you have it right, you don't want to wait too long either, and in an ideal world you establish a small social connection during the time you are improving.

I agree generally, but it IS possible to wait too ...

2008-03-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

I agree generally, but it IS possible to wait too long.

It could happen if she is accustomed to dancing with people above her level, and you have become accustomed to dancing with people above her level - and all this comes about while you have progressed from an average dancer to one of the more recognizable and better dancers in the scene. What can happen then is both of you end up deciding that the other is snotty - it really is more of an issue with people who are not that good so perhaps it's not much of a loss as long as there are plenty of other people.

Well Don.. Quite useful advice..
Specially for...

2008-03-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

Well Don.. Quite useful advice..
Specially for beginners. Will try to spread this word. Thanks :)

Excellent advice! You are right on with your "do y...

2008-03-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

Excellent advice! You are right on with your "do your most comfortable material" rather than thinking you'll impress her with your just learned "cool moves".

Excellent additions! (Anybody else?)

Good advice. One thing I'd like to add is that un...

2008-03-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

Good advice. One thing I'd like to add is that unless you're really good, really bad, or you're a pest, the advanced dancer probably will have forgotten all about you within a couple weeks.

Another suggestion that I learned the hard way: If she does say "yes",

DON'T try to pull out all the latest moves you just learned in an effort to impress her. Dancing off-time or jerkily won't make her happy.

DO dance as smoothly as you possibly can, using moves you're confident and comfortable with. She gets plenty of challenging patterns from her favorite leads, and she may appreciate an easy, comfortable dance. She might be bored; but, hopefully, she'll remember that your dancing was pleasant and give you another chance in the future (when you'll have increased your repertoire).